Just recently I have been very fortunate in being able to try a lot of the restaurants on the Mornington Peninsula – some excellent, some not so good.  I started to see a pattern emerging in this “Modern Australian” cuisine.  To this end I have made up my own ModOz menu – see if it strikes any chords with you.


Scallops: Hervey Bay scallop, black pudding trembler, finished with Port Phillip lobster bisque, $22
[Actually: Three small scallops and weird tasting foam]
Radish: Roasted flatlands radish, creamed rhubarb, garden herbs and whipped sheep’s curd, $5
[Actually:  I hate you.  I hate all vegetarians.  I’m trying to poison you]
Rabbit: Wild rabbit terrine with capers and pistachio nuts, balsamic glazed walnuts and Merlot toast, $19
[Actually:  The rabbits are local, and not all of them have had Myxomatosis]
Trout: Ocean trout hot cured with maple syrup, Quinoa, buttermilk and native lemon gum leaves, $26
[Actually: Bloody expensive piece of practically raw fish]
Sashimi: Dolphin sashimi, Cod’s wallop, and seaweed marmalade, $25
[Actually: I’m finding a lot of dead seals down on Merricks beach at the moment – and nobody’s ever tasted Dolphin anyway.  Japanese seems to love it]
Tartare: Tartare of Unicorn, lightly poached Pheonix egg, elixiar verjuice, sprinkled with gold leaf, $60
[Actually: It’s donkey.  I buy it of this dodgy Romanian guy.  Half the price of horse]
Pork: Belly of free range wild boar, black pudding mousse and apples pan fried in Calvados, finished with scallop zabaglione, $45
[Actually: its feral pig shot by good ol’ boys on sugarcane farms in Queensland.  It stinks – talk about boar taint.  You have to boil it in sea water for 12 hours before you can get near it]
Steak: Grass fed, highland reared, Grand Angus Wagyu rib fillet, poached gently and then finished by flame grilling on a burner carved by hand from a single piece of aircraft grade titanium by the artist Jacques Son FouLire, topped with a slice of foie gras and seduced by an oyster mushroom and black truffle cream, $95
[Actually: it’s a camping stove once used by Jacques’ adopted brother, and sometimes the foie gras is a little more like chicken liver pate, if you know what I mean]
Duck: Four ways Aylesbury duck, duck rilletes, duck breast poached in Hoi Sin consomme, crispy skin duck and Pinot Noir jelly, grilled duck gizzards, $50
[Actually: I was doing quite well with this one.  It was the only thing on the menu worth eating, and then I added the bloody gizzards]
Salmon: Tasmanian salmon from the Bay of Despair, humanely caught by specially trained cormorants, a compote of sweet chillis and Red Hill tomatoes, tartar sauce, $35
[Actually: Fish.  Sometimes I think the cormorant tastes better]
Gnocchi: Fondant gnocchi served in a cottage herb infused brown butter sauce, with a bhaji of three wild mushrooms, $25
[Actually: If the vegetarian starter didn’t kill you, this will.  There is enough poison in those mushrooms – you’ll be dead before your head hits the table.  Serves you right for thinking gnocchi is a good idea at all]
Goat: Afghan style, slow roasted goat leg served with dukkah on a bed of couscous with a desert scorpion venom reduction, $38
[Actually: Nobody has ever ordered this]
Game: Chocolate flavoured civet of wild fox, nettle puree, $43
[Actually: Road kill.  Great way to use introduced species]
Potatoes: Kipfler potatoes, hand roasted over free range charcoal, sprinkled with granite ground rock salt and silk road spice, $45
[Actually: hot chips]
Peas: Locally grown Green Arrow, hand picked by beautiful people following strict lunar cycles, blanched in pure Arthur’s Seat spring water and jostled with organic unsalted Yak butter, $1 (each)
[Actually: peas]
Carrots: Rare breed carrots, roasted with vineyard honey and Rosemary, and individually stuffed with parmesan, $20
[Actually: sweet carrots]
Creme Brulee: Vanilla creme brulee made from wild eggs of endangered bird species, fig sorbet, $22
[Actually: need I say any more?]
Chocolate: Chocolate three ways, South African chocolate torte, chocolate mouse with Cointreau, chocolate tuille, $26
[Actually: yeah, yeah, yeah, fat, sugar, cocoa, more fat, heart attack on a plate, whatever]
Crumble: Blackberry and apple with a walnut infused crumble, served with creme anglais, creme fraiche and vanilla ice cream, $26
[Actually: This is the only meal some people get to enjoy]
Cheese: Cheese platter featuring three cheeses – your choice from the cheese bureau, $16
[Actually:  We’ve worked out ways of slicing cheese so thin its practically translucent.  We’re charging you the equivalent of $2000 a kg for something that would cost $10 in the supermarket – KKEEERRRCHING!]